David Rubenstein for Mayor!

May 12, 2024 Michael Olesker

Baltimore Orioles owner David M. Rubenstein is shown here speaking at an Associated event at Pikesville's Suburban Club. (File photo)

As the citizens of Bawlamer cast their primary votes this week for mayor, it’s clear the most popular person in town isn’t even running.

I speak, of course, of David Rubenstein.

He is too busy being popular as owner of the Baltimore Orioles to bother with politics. He is busy splashing spectators out in left field at Oriole Park, leading O’s rallies and looking as if he hasn’t had so much fun since he made his first billion.

And he’s too busy cutting a couple of Orioles promotional spots in which “Mr. Splash” himself asks him, “Are you ready” to be doused?

“I was born ready,” says Rubenstein, donning goggles, snorkel and a rubber, swan-like comic creature wrapped around his waist.

There hasn’t been such an emphasis on nautical fashion around here since William Donald Schaefer wore a turn-of-the-last-century swimsuit and cavorted with the seals at the opening of the National Aquarium, lo, these many splashes ago.

Is Rubenstein ready to be splashed? Mr. Splash asks.

“I spent how much money for this?” Rubenstein deadpans.

It was reportedly $1.7 billion, though Rubenstein has called the figure a mere $1.6 billion. Well, what’s a million or so between friends?

So, is he ready? “This reminds me of my bar mitzvah picture,” Rubenstein replies.

Do we love him so far? Absolutely. We love him for stepping up to the plate and buying our beloved O’s and guaranteeing they’ll stay in Baltimore when others might have pulled an Irsay on us.

We love him because his new team is in first place, and they’re full of young and hungry kids who came up the old way, “the Oriole Way,” through the farm system, and right now they’re living up to our sweetest dreams.

And we love him because he’s reaching out to us with these promo spots on our TV sets, and with the simple act of sitting out there in left field, in the “Splash Section,” looking like some bleacher goofball instead of a stiff-necked grownup.

Remember what Chuck Thompson used to say whenever the Orioles would rally to tie the score?

“The folks are as good as the people.”

That’s what Rubenstein’s telling us: I’m one of you.

Rubenstein, the Northwest Baltimore kid, the City College kid, may have made his money out there in global financial markets. But with his every gesture, he’s telling us he hasn’t forgotten his roots.

We’ve all learned that he’s spent millions on medical research, on education and the arts, on historical preservation. Hell, he even purchased an original Magna Carta, which he loaned to the National Archives.

If all this isn’t lovable enough, then consider this: As a true Bawlamorean, in his heart of hearts, he’d probably swap, even give up, his copy of the Magna Carta for a reliable closer for his bullpen.

And if that doesn’t make him a legitimate candidate for mayor of Baltimore, then what does?

A former Baltimore Sun columnist and WJZ-TV commentator, Michael Olesker is the author of six books, including “Journeys to the Heart of Baltimore” (Johns Hopkins University Press) and “Michael Olesker’s Baltimore: If You Live Here, You’re Home” (Johns Hopkins University).