Once again, America wrestles with the painful issue of racism as the trial of Derek Chauvin, the former Minneapolis police officer charged in the death of George Floyd, is now underway.
Floyd’s death last May was the catalyst for “Together We Love,” a new virtual community founded by Ellicott City resident Joan Green. The community is for white women involved in long-term relationships with Black men.
A Crofton native, Green, 54, came up with the concept when her district manager job for an early childhood education and day care provider was eliminated due to the pandemic.
Green, who is white, found herself with time to reflect on racism.
“We had just gone through George Floyd’s death and Breonna Taylor, and a lot of the racial unrest in our country was coming to a loud conversation,” says Green, who in 1992 married her husband, Kevin, an African-American Baltimore native.
At the time, “all three of our young adult children were home and we were having these family dinners all the time, just like when the kids were young,” she says. “As this went on, I realized my kids really had a bigger stake in this than I had anticipated. It really had affected my kids in different ways. When they left for college, they weren’t really prepared for what would happen when they left our household and Howard County.”
Green says she was also struck by all of the obstacles confronting her husband as a Black man in the United States.
“I’ve never really tried to put myself in his shoes or understand more about being Black than just the fact that we had an interracial family,” says Green. “White privilege is a huge thing, and as white people we just don’t think we need to [explore racial issues]. The women I talk to, we all have strong marriages, homes, cars, careers. There wasn’t really anything wrong, so we didn’t think we had to fix anything. You just go about your business because that’s what we do as white people.
“We don’t think we need to do better because it doesn’t affect us. And my husband didn’t press me.”
Green considered writing a book about her experiences in an interracial marriage, but realized she needed to gather other people’s stories as well. She started reaching out to other white women married to Black men in Howard County to hear their stories.
Green started a Facebook group for women in interracial relationships. So far, there are 36 members. While most members are local, some live in other parts of the country.
Green says she hears many different perspectives from the women she interviews and interacts with through her online community. One woman told her that “from the minute we got married, my husband educated me about everything related to Black culture.”
Another woman said, ‘I don’t see color,’ a comment Green views with skepticism. “We know now that if you don’t see color, you don’t see the person, you don’t see their history.”
Other women in the group are reluctant to talk with their children about being biracial in the U.S.
“Some say, ‘I don’t want to tell my kids anything. I don’t want them to have to choose sides.’ Well, you will let them choose sides. Eventually, they’re going to choose their identity, and your job is to present all the options, every piece of them, so they can decide on their own true identity,” she says.
Green notes that all of the women in her community are in stable relationships or marriages, and have raised or are in the process of raising children.
“I’m trying to keep the focus of Together We Love narrow,” Green says. “Let’s be better in our families — support our husbands more strongly, get our children ready to be successful and prepared for what might be out there from a racist standpoint.
“I think being more educated is our job. We can’t expect our husbands to always teach us about being Black. We as white people are charged, especially this year, with educating ourselves. Together as a group, we do better with that.”
Green says her group has profoundly changed her perspective. “Today, the conversations we have are very different. My husband trusts that I’m actually learning and hearing him, and I’m giving him space not just to say that [racist incidents] makes him mad but to really tell me why, to pull from the history.” In addition to her research and Facebook page, Green started a podcast in January called “Navigating Two Worlds from Joan Green.” The podcast, which so far has aired eight installments, includes interviews with women in interracial marriages sharing their stories and discussing issues related to race, parenting interracial children and supporting their partners. One recent guest, Dr. Sarah Gaither, a professor of psychology and neurology at Duke University, brought an academic perspective to the podcast in a discussion about biracial experiences.
“The podcast gives me a chance to put the stories out to the world,” Green says. She also has a website where people can share stories.
In the future, she still hopes to write a book about interracial families and speak to groups about her experiences.
“My mission is to continue to provide resources for women,” says Green. “I’m excited about the journey.”
For information about “Together We Love,” visit togetherwelovewithjoangreen.com
To listen to the Navigating Two Worlds podcast, click here.
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