CHANA Presents Annual 'Voices' Event Featuring Author Bill Mitchell

When she was 21, Mary*, a Jewish college student from Baltimore County, told her parents she had been involved in an abusive relationship that began seven years earlier.

“This person started grooming my daughter from an early age, and this led to a relationship that she couldn’t get out of,” says her father, Mark*.

Though she was no longer involved with the abuser, Mary came to her parents when he began stalking her at college.

Abusive situations such as Mary’s are all too prevalent in the Jewish and broader communities, says Lauren Shaivitz, executive director of CHANA, the local Jewish community’s response to abuse and trauma.

Columbia resident Bill Mitchell wrote “When Dating Hurts” after the 2005 murder of his daughter, Kristin.

CHANA’s third annual benefit — “Voices: When Relationships Hurt,” on Wednesday, Oct. 13, at 7 p.m. — will focus on dating violence. The free virtual event features a discussion with Bill Mitchell, a violence prevention advocate and author of the 2020 self-published memoir, “When Dating Hurts: What We Learned about Dating Violence after Our Daughter’s Tragic Death.”

Mitchell’s 21-year-old daughter Kristin, a recent college graduate, was killed by her abuser, an ex-boyfriend, in June of 2005.

One in three women and one in four men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Each year, 12 million Americans are victims of violence at the hands of an intimate partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

“Even 25 years after CHANA was founded, people are still unaware of how prevalent dating violence and abuse is,” says Shaivitz. “This year, CHANA’s number one priority is prevention – to mitigate harm and prevent abuse before it’s too late.”

In fact, CHANA recently hired a full-time prevention professional to work with teens and preteens in every local middle school, high school and college where there are Jewish students.

When Mark learned that his daughter had been in an abusive relationship for years, he says he was both shocked and saddened.

“We are a very close family, and my wife and I have always been hands-on parents,” he says. “I wondered, how could we not have known? I was disappointed at myself as a father.”

Mark reached out to clergy for counsel, and they referred him to CHANA.

“CHANA was very involved in saving my daughter’s life, and they made sure that her abuser couldn’t harm another child again,” he says.

CHANA also helped Mark and his wife deal with their guilt by assuring them that their failure to recognize the abuse of their daughter was not their fault.

“I’ve searched my soul many times, but I don’t believe we missed the signs,” he says.

Shaivitz concurs that the signs of dating violence are often not visible. She says statistics show that 79% of college-age men and women involved in abusive relationships are not even aware that their own relationships are abusive.

“We need to start education in middle school through college,” Shaivitz says. “We need to give people tools to teach them what’s healthy and not healthy, and we need to start young.

“If we’re educated, we can identify some of the warning signs,” says Shaivitz, who advises teens and the adults in their lives to be aware that abuse between young people frequently happens through technology and social media.

“If your child needs to respond instantly when their boyfriend or girlfriend texts them, and they are afraid of the consequences if they don’t, that can be a sign of an abusive relationship,” she says.

CHANA Executive Director Lauren Shaivitz: “We need to start education in middle school through college. We need to give people tools to teach them what’s healthy and not healthy, and we need to start young.” (Provided photo)

Likewise, when a boyfriend or girlfriend wants to control their whereabouts, that can be a sign, Shaivitz says. “Some abusers will control their partners by insisting they send a photograph of where they are to make sure they are where they say they are,” she says.

Also, be on the lookout for partners who are extremely jealous, Shaivitz says. “If the partner says, ‘Why are you spending time with other people?’ or makes allegations that the partner wants to be [romantically involved] with someone else, those can be signs, too.”

Of course, some abuse, such as physical or sexual abuse, may take place in private, Shaivitz acknowledges. Physical violence can become increasingly dangerous, and sexual violence may include coercing or forcing a victim to participate in sexual activities against their will, she says.

That’s why Shaivitz recommends that parents and teens attend this year’s “Voices” event together. “It’s so important that all of us hear Bill Mitchell’s presentation,” she says. “If you’re ever going to attend a CHANA event, this is the one to go to.”

*The real names of Mary and Mark have been changed to protect their privacy.

For information on “Voices” and dating violence, visit cha nabaltimore.org . For information about Bill Mitchell’s book, visit whendatinghurts.com/