In the house of shiva, we offer the following blessing of condolence to mourners: “May God send you comfort among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
If you pay close attention, there is something curious about this blessing. The name used to describe God is Hamakom. The literal translation of Hamakom is “The Place.” Very rarely do we use this title. One such time is Seder Pesach, in the beginning of the maggid section, when we say, “Baruch Hamakom, Baruch Hu,” often translated as, “Blessed is the Omnipresent, Blessed is He.” Another is in the Acheinu prayer upon concluding the Torah reading in Ashkenazi shuls.
However, beyond that, this term is not regularly used.
When Jews speak about the Divine, in everyday language and in prayer, other traditional names are employed. Hashem and Elokim are a few that are commonly mentioned. So why in the shiva house, as we console the mourners, do we refer to God as “The Place”?
One straightforward explanation is this blessing is a reminder to mourners that God is with them in their “place” of mourning. In the thick of one’s sadness over the loss of a loved one, one can falter in their faith in God. This blessing comes to restore the mourner’s faith by reminding them God is with them in their tough times just like in their good moments. It may be hard to see this in moments of darkness, but there is a divine plan. By referring to God as Hamakom, the mourner is reminded God is still with them, even in this place.
For some, this approach resonates. Many even view it as a form of acceptance of divine judgment. However, others require a more compassionate understanding to help calm their soul. During shiva, we as mourners often undergo an immense sense of inner displacement. Just yesterday, we were with our loved one. We spoke with them on the phone. We heard their voice. We smelled their perfume. We felt their loving caress and warmth. Now, sadly, our loved one is no longer here. This can feel vacuous and shocking. The gap can be overwhelming. For this reason, we offer the Hamakom blessing during shiva.
In this respect, when we speak of God as “The Place” we are blessing the mourners that in this state of disorientation, in this lack of “a place,” that God be their place. There is no way to truly “fill in” the vacuum our loved one left behind. That’s not the intention. Instead, we pray and hope God will shower the mourner with love and help them begin the restoration process from this very vulnerable place.
A final explanation that is often well received shifts the mourner’s intention from what is lacking to the “place” in their lives touched and forever changed for the better by their loved one. Chasidic works speak about removing darkness through adding light. That is our focus with this Hamakom blessing intention. By mentioning “the place,” we are saying to the mourner, “Point your attention to all of the places that were impacted in your life by your loved one. Allow these positive memories to offer you some comfort in your tough time.”
Maybe it was visits in childhood to a favorite department store, or holiday meals together, or a silly running joke, or perhaps it was even the bad food your loved one always served you, thinking it was the most delicious cuisine. Each one of these memories is a place that was touched inside of you. Perhaps it was the hours they spent with you when you were down or the miles they drove to support you in your moment of achievement. These parts of your life and soul that were impacted by your loved one will forever be with you. We bless the mourners that these “places” offer some form of comfort as they mourn their loss.
The examples I just mentioned are real experiences shared with me by congregants over the years, including the bad-tasting food! There is no way to replace our loved one. But we will always hold dear their memories. The Hamakom blessing not only provides us comfort in knowing God is with us and joins us in our deep place of loss, it helps the memory of a loved one become an active blessing for us in our lives, offering a glimmer of light to help brighten our day.
Rabbi Dr. Eli Yoggev serves Pikesville’s Beth Tfiloh Synagogue.
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