I am sure I have done 800 things wrong as a parent, but there is one thing I know we got right.
The confidence to say this came when my phone rang at 11 a.m. on a school day and it was my son. Of course, my mind raced to all of the things that could be wrong that would necessitate a call in the middle of the school day.
What I got instead was the most incredible gift. He let me know that they had an assignment to write a letter to someone they loved and he wanted to read his letter to me right that minute.
For so many parents, this would be really sweet but not as monumental as it was for me. With his permission, I will share a little bit of Ethan’s story.
Very early on, we realized that his journey would move at a different speed than the other babies in his playgroup. When he walked early but dragged his left leg, when he seemingly was unaware that he even had a left hand, when he learned to sign in a snap but could not string together spoken words, we looked for answers.
We went to the “best” neuropsychologist, to the appropriate clinics at Kennedy Krieger Institute. We wanted our boy to be the best he could be, so of course we sought out the experts. One expert sat us down and gave us a ridiculous list of “nevers” — he would never attend a “regular” school, play on sports teams or “do any kind of math above an elementary level.”
What we chose to do next is the one thing I know we got right. We made a very intentional decision to stop looking for answers or labels and to focus on his strengths, to hold his hand and let him guide the way for what he could and could not do. To get him help from people who could see his strengths and would use these gifts to support where he struggled.
He was always bright, smiled and laughed easily and loved hard. He read early, he picked up math quickly. He wanted to try soccer and baseball. Soccer was a disaster, and in baseball he spent more time playing in the dirt than catching a ball. He asked to play baseball again, and he loved it. He loved being a part of a team.
We tried basketball as well. It took some time for him to find his groove, but he did it.
The sportsmanship awards frequently had his name on them, and eventually he won the World Series as the pitcher and Most Valuable Player.
If you really want to know who Ethan is, this will tell you. That night, as we celebrated his victory, he was sad and quiet. He was sad that his good friend did not win. He knew that winning was more important to that friend than it was to him.
That’s Ethan. He is the guy who’s happiest when those around him are happy. He does not care about accolades or awards. He simply wants the people he cares about to be happy.
So yes, we crossed ALL of the “nevers” off of that list, and he will graduate from Beth Tfiloh this year as a National Honor Society Student who has accomplished many wonderful things. But the man that he has become — the loving, caring, grateful, down-to-earth, laid-back and goofy guy — is what we are most proud of.
So when I heard his voice on the phone reading me this letter – stating, “The purpose of this letter is to say why you love someone, I don’t have enough room for that. … I am proud of who I have grown up to be. … Going from a toddler that was borderline on the spectrum to the wise cracking, dinner skipping, lanky SOB I am now was not easy. But you always helped to motivate me to help others as best I can and I live by this value each and every day …” — I knew we were ready to tackle the next chapter of his journey.
(Photo of the actual letter, as seen below, is proof that we learned to accept things as they were.)
After years of occupational therapy, we stopped fighting the handwriting and when we did, Ethan found his voice and was able to just express himself with so much insight and compassion.
The takeaway for us is do not get caught up in trying to keep up with other people’s standards of success. Look at your kid, focus on their strengths, let them carve out their path and be there to guide, cheer and brush them off when they fall.
But let them fall. They will learn to be flexible and resilient. So much of parenting is focusing on getting them to a certain milestone, but let’s also make sure we are focused on not just raising good human beings but letting them each forge their own path in their own unique, incredible way.
An Owings Mills resident, Nicole P. Glick, PsyD, licensed psychologist, is a co-founder of Shalom Tikvah (shalomtikvah.org), a nonprofit that uses an innovative approach to treating mental illness and other stressors by treating the entire family system with comprehensive therapy as well as wraparound services. For information, email nglick@shalomtikvah.org).
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