I was recently privileged to speak at a sheva brachot, a celebratory meal that takes place daily during the week following a wedding. I shared with the bride and groom the following three tips for experiencing joy in marriage based on the sixth blessing from the sheva brachot ceremony:
Bring immense joy to these
beloved friends, as
You gave joy to Your creation
in the Garden of Eden of old.
Blessed are You, God, Who brings
joy to the groom and bride.
When it comes to this blessing, the first question we must ask is, what is the intrinsic connection between the experience in the Garden of Eden and the “immense joy” wished upon the newlyweds?
The Yalkut Hagershuni (quoted on the Halacha Headlines podcast, episode 369) focuses on the altruistic nature of the joy experienced in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve’s joy wasn’t contingent upon status because they owned everything, and at the time there was no such thing as a competitive market. Their contentment wasn’t predicated upon family pedigree because they both emerged from the same divine source. Their joy was independent of external factors such as beauty because they had nothing with which to compare.
The lesson I draw — and this is the first tip — is to focus on the important things in marriage instead of getting caught up on externalities, the “small stuff.” Marriage experts will rightfully point out that the minor details are the glue that binds a marriage. Notwithstanding, we must always keep our priorities in check.
At a wedding, we wish the bride and groom joy that comes from focusing on the important things: shared values, care and generosity, spiritual growth and so much more. Investing energy in these endeavors and having the strength to overlook the superficialities can engender happiness and true shalom bayit (familial peace).
The second tip is connected to the historical context of the Edenic experience. Eden was the beginning of creation. As a result, Adam and Eve didn’t look backwards to the past or what could have been, but were focused on the present — looking forward to the promises of the future. This is tip number two: keep looking forward. When you marry your beloved, you are beginning a new life. Hashem brought the two of you together for a reason. Cast away doubts about other prospects from the past or what could or should have been. Instead, do your best to experience joy in your present connection.
The final tip is bring God into the relationship. The sixth blessing speaks of Hashem giving joy “to Your creation in the Garden of Eden.” Adam and Eve were God’s handiwork. As a result, they enjoyed a uniquely direct link with Hashem, which as the blessing indicates brought joy in its wake.
For many, one’s wedding day is the culmination of years of prayer and beseeching God to be paired with the right match. However, once the couple gets married, the prayers often slow down. This is a mistake. We must consistently pray for divine help in our marriage: to help us see the good in the other, to know the right words to say and the kind gestures that will bring joy to our partner. This will bring us joy as we see greater success in marriage and experience divine guidance in our connection.
Another way to seek out God is to consistently ask ourselves, “What is the right thing to do?” “What is the godly way of acting in each circumstance?” Instead of seeking to be right, seek what is right, putting aside ego and thinking about what your spouse needs and how you can be most helpful. Many times when both sides are able to overcome the fussiness stemming from unmet expectations and instead focus on doing Hashem’s will — doing the right thing for the right reason — great joy can be enjoyed and healthy energy can be restored to the relationship.
The sixth blessing of the sheva brachot propels us to a time before the fall of Eden, a time of blissful joy. The blessing begins depicting the couple as “beloved friends.” Indeed, this is the genesis of many a good marriage. However, the blessing’s continuation reminds us that sustaining this youthful joy requires work. Maintaining joy comes from focusing on the important things and letting go of the small stuff. It emerges from looking forward and not backward, being secure in the connection and investing all we have into the zivug (partner) with which Hashem blessed us.
Finally, it entails bringing the Creator into the relationship, so Hashem will gladden us in our days, just as Hashem did with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
Rabbi Dr. Eli Yoggev serves as the associate rabbi of Baltimore’s Beth Tfiloh Congregation, one of the largest Orthodox Jewish congregations in North America.
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