As a parent of two toddlers, I have experienced my share of tantrums (theirs, not mine). Triggers can be anything from I didn’t cut the apple up the right way to it was me walking in the door at the end of the day and not my husband (yes, this has happened, more than once!).
And then there is the much dreaded public toddler tantrum. You know, the one where they kick and scream in the aisles of Target because you said no to buying them a 5,387th Paw Patrol action figure.
No matter how good of a parent you are — and all of you are! — no one is immune to the tantrums. After all, they are normal. I will say it again! Toddler tantrums are normal. They are developmentally appropriate, and not at all a sign of your inability to parent.
With all of this being said, they are not easy to deal with. They are often hard on us as parents, but we need to take a step back, breathe and remember they are actually harder on our children. Toddlers are still working through understanding their emotions and developing emotional regulation. As adults, we have (hopefully) learned how to express our emotions. We know when and where it is appropriate, or not, to put them out there.
How many of you have wanted to cry in the aisles of Target or somewhere else because something wasn’t going the way you wanted? Nope, just me? I didn’t think so. But as adults, we can typically contain that emotion. We know, at least logically, that crying and screaming is not going to get us what we want (at least not often!).
We need to give our kids the space to learn this as well. To learn the appropriate and most effective way of expressing their emotions, here are four tips on how to do just that:
Don’t Give the Tantrum Too Much Attention
Often times, as soon as a tantrum begins, parents want it to end. While you think that addressing it immediately will have the greatest impact in stopping it, the opposite may actually be true.
Giving attention to a tantrum can actually lead to it continuing because you are giving the child what they want — attention. By carrying on with what you are doing and not giving any positive or negative reinforcement, toddlers are more likely to stop.
Give Your Child Choices
Just like adults, children want to feel that they have control. While as parents it would be irresponsible to give our children full autonomy over their lives, we can give them the illusion of this.
Offer two choices and let them make the final decision. This helps them have the independence to make a choice, while allowing parents to maintain overall control.
Follow Through With Consequences
This is a big one. If you threaten your child with an action and then fail to follow through, your child will learn there are empty threats — this could be a whole post in itself — and therefore their behavior will not change.
In this case, it is not as important what the consequence is but more so, your ability to follow through. If you say you are going to take them home if their behavior does not change, you have to be ready to take them home. If you can’t follow through with that, don’t threaten it.
You can take a toy away, restrict privileges, offer a reward if they calm down. Just make sure you are able to do it.
Divert Your Child’s Attention
And there is always the option of distraction. This doesn’t necessarily mean bribing your child or anything like that, but you can find a way to divert their attention away from situation contributing to the tantrum.
Read them a book or grab one of their toys. Even a quick change of scenery could do the trick
Jmore parenting columnist Talya Knable is a psychotherapist who lives in Lutherville with her husband, Stephen, and their two children, Jack and Leigh. Her website is tkpsych.com/. She is also the assistant clinical director of Shalom Tikvah (shalomtikvah.org/), a local non-profit organization that supports Jewish families facing mental illness and other challenging life circumstances.
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