As anyone in a committed relationship will tell you, keeping love alive is hard work at any time. It’s especially difficult during times of stress and anxiety, say, like during a pandemic.
Meanwhile, those looking for love during the pandemic are also stressed out. How do you date or meet people when you can’t go to bars, movies, restaurants and must social distance from anyone outside of your own household?
In her Pikesville-based practice, therapist Ava Barron-Shasho has seen it all. In recent months, she says she has found more couples are seeking her help.
“Being in a relationship is very hard,” says Barron-Shasho. “During the pandemic, we’re all zapped of energy and our communication and social interactions are limited. If you have a marriage that’s not solid to begin with, the pandemic makes it worse.”
Barron-Shasho says most of the couples she counsels are troubled by “issues of communication” — understanding what the other is going through. People have unmet needs in their relationships and they have trouble understanding what their partner needs.
“Maybe they think they know, but a lot of times they really don’t,” Barron-Shasho says. “Maybe a bouquet of red roses isn’t what she really needs. Most people want connection.”
Huh? Many couples are home together all day long, so isn’t that enough connection? Not necessarily, says Barron-Shasho.
“I think people are spending more time with their partners, so there’s more time for miscommunication,” she says.
For example, says Barron-Shasho, some couples are finding it difficult working from home together. “Someone might complain, ‘We’re both supposed to be working from home, but I’m always the one taking care of the kids!’ How do you navigate things like that?”
Making the situation that much harder, says Barron-Shasho, is the fact that during the pandemic, “all of the coping skills you might use to handle your frustrations are gone. Most of us aren’t going to the gym or popping over to a friend’s house for a cup of coffee. We’re not going to restaurants. We’re just sitting home every night eating dinner at our kitchen tables and watching TV. The romance isn’t there.”
So what can couples do to strengthen their relationship at this unprecedented time?
First of all, Barron-Shasho cautions against making major decisions about your relationship (or anything else for that matter). These are unusual circumstances, says Barron-Shasho, so it’s not a good time to assess your relationship.
To increase connection, Barron-Shasho recommends spending 10 minutes a day sitting together and focusing on each other.
“Really listen to your partner. Are they struggling? Is there anything you can do to help? Maybe you can’t go out for your favorite Valentine’s Day meal, but what else can you do that’s special?” she says.
Empathy is a key component of a healthy relationship, says Barron-Shasho. “Step out of your own thoughts and feelings and step into your partner’s thoughts and feelings.”
And don’t underestimate the power of small gestures and ways to spend time together, says Barron-Shasho.
“Take a walk together or binge-watch a show,” she says. “Little things go a long way!”
While established couples may be struggling during the pandemic, those navigating the dating scene also are facing new obstacles. “It’s a very uncomfortable time for singles,” says Barron-Shasho. “It’s very isolating, and [to avoid feeling lonely] people may feel pressure to go out and take [health] risks.”
But Barron-Shasho says there are advantages to dating in the pandemic. “There are a lot of decisions you don’t have to make,” she says. For instance, the pandemic means couples can take more time to get to know each other before deciding whether to become intimate.
“If you’re COVID-conscious, you may not want someone to come over or to go to their house. If that person is pushing to come over, that could be a red flag,” she says.
Since dating during the pandemic is riskier than usual, some may commit to the wrong partner prematurely so they can stop dating.
She discourages that.
“Don’t move in!” she says. “What’s nice about dating during the pandemic is that it slows us down and allows us to step back and make a better evaluation. I recommend doing a ‘values inventory.’”
Based on American psychologist Martin Seligman’s “Values in Action (VIA) Inventory of Strengths,” the VIA helps people assess their core values so they can find a partner whose values are similar.
Another thing Barron-Shasho appreciates about dating during the pandemic is how it “encourages couples to get creative. Maybe he drops off a piece of cake and a small bottle of champagne and you enjoy it together on Zoom. It’s the old-fashioned way of dating. It forces you to move slowly,” she says.
With that in mind, Barron-Shasho believes “it’s perfectly fine to look for a relationship at this time. Endorphins start flowing in a new relationship and that’s always nice. If you’re home alone, that can be a comfort and a nice distraction.”
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